Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
