yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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