i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
