Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
