I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
