I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
