if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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