yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you traded sex for a burrito?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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