I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
