i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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