i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My liver just had a heart attack.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
