I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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