I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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