I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My cat gives me a boner
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
