Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
