my shit smells like andre
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
