All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is Oprah even human
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
