I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and i looked up. we had an audience...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
