how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
