Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
