I wish I could punch you in the face.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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