Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
