You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
