I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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