I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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