White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
