tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
