We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
