One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
