I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
