Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
