By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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