the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
