I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
