The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
