From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it glows. i had to have it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize