I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
is that a dick in a sweater?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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