Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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