Nicole vs. Life
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
