Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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