you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
50% drunk capacity currently
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
