I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
