we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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