he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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