did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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