when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize