I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
