its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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