If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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