the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
