I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
