I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
