I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it was like having sex with a tree stump
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
