Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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