just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You ruined the universe
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
