I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
