Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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